Close But Distant

Hi, my name is Jara. You may notice name Isabella on this blog is just my character name. While ago, David Bowie passed away... I am sad to see him go... until the next person passed away was Alan Rickman. Broken my heart! I always wish I have met them. I know there are amount of celebrities already died and I never got a chance to meet!

I first saw Alan Rickman when I was 16. I went to the movie theater and requested a ticket to Die Hard. I sat in the balcony section of the auditorium. I watched. I can tell the way characters acted in the movie. That is because I am deaf. No caption at that time.

This is my favorite still, found in Die Hard DVD set.

Alan is one of my favorite actors. I just can't believe that he is gone from us. I sort of have a hard time to accept that at the same time, I accepted. It was mixed feeling. I have a poster of him as Snape in my bedroom that I could look up at night when some things in my mind is bothering me. I remember some dreams I had of him in it. Mostly as Snape, he would march around to make sure Hogwarts students are not in trouble. It was interesting to watch him. One day, I was dreaming, he was there and I wanted to meet him so badly, I was hesitated to do so. I watched him went downstairs as other students waiting for the filming scene. I tossed a piece of object at him to get his attention but it went past his face! I feel so embarrassed! I wheeled around so fast so that he wouldn't find who did. That dream is really strange as the same time, it has meaning for me. After his death, I am not sure if I want to look at him or not. If I did, it would give me a sad thought. I feel frustrated in some ways. Made me thinking of someone else- Yes, Snape poster is on my left and the 10th Doctor poster is on my right.

Yes, like I said that made me thinking of someone else, I can't imagine if my favorite Doctor died. It will break my heart like hell. I would love to meet him in person but HOW? I tried some ways so that I can. I told myself, is God really tried to hurt me? What is it then? I do not want to go through all over again. I would love to meet someone I love for once and be peace with that.

I remember back then where I thought I could meet Steve Irwin. I enjoyed watching his shows, Crocodile Hunter. I thought myself, I can go and visit Australia someday and get to see the place where he works... I like to "hearing" the stories about his adventures. One day, the news came, Steve Irwin died. I couldn't believe it. I was like "Wow, now I am not going to meet him. He's gone."

As far as I can tell, I never meet one of my favorite celebrities in person. I just happened to meet some celebrities who I never ask to meet or just happened meeting them. I know some of them and never heard others. For example, my friend asked me to go with her to the mall in Boston to keep her company. In reality, we were standing in long, long line so we were chatting. She wanted to meet Andrew Shue from Melrose Place. I did not know who Andrew Shue is, either did I watch that TV show. My friend suggested about buying a t-shirt which is supporting the program called "Do Something" she said for that the actor can sign. Why not, I was curious, I bought one. I wore my hearing aid. When it's our turns, she got excited while watched Andrew signing her t-shirt. I was next. I stood there and noticed Andrew was speaking to me.
"Hello."
I heard his voice. It was nice.
"How are you?"
I nodded my head, smiling, gave thumb up. I did indeed take a picture of him.
"Thank you."
I got t-shirt back with his signature.
It was in 1994.

Do Something event, actor Andrew Shue were there to signing t-shirts.

Few years later, my friend wanted to go to SciFi convention (Trek Production) in NY where we attended college. I love SciFi. Four of us decided to go, I contacted them about an interpreter, unfortunately they couldn't find one but we all sit in front row which is good. It was small convention but we just chatting and checking out SciFi stuffs- posters, trading cards, weapons, photos, etc, etc...  My friend said, oh, no, David Prowse is not coming. He was the one who dressed as Darth Vader in the Star Wars movies (See? I wanted to meet him and he didn't come.) We were mad. I was disappointed. As we looked around, we saw someone else came, it was Kenny Baker. My friend loves R2D2, begged me to be with her. Why not, we were in line and we picked photos for signing. We paid. We waited. That moment when I got my turn, I showed him a piece of paper which stated my name. We pointed out we are deaf. As he was signing my photos, I was about to snap a picture of him. Suddenly the man sat next to him raised his hand, told me to go around and be next to him. I was surprised. I did. He again said someone take a picture. I handed my camera to friend. How nice of them allow this to happened. (See? That happened unexpectedly.) Photo below, you can see my t-shirt and cap with images of Darth Vader.

Kenny Baker and I

I was wondering about my wishes. I remember I had different hopes and wishes about my future. I wrote down what they were and make a check. In reality, none of them is checked off. Years had passed and not one of dreams comes true. In my mind, what have I done to deserve that? It is very difficult to understand what's going on. I was treated badly some times and being mocked at other times. But only a little glimpse of hope is far away for me to reach. I told myself again, yes, I do notice myself not want to look at poster of the Doctor. I fear that dream is so far away, or worse, I do not have that kind of ride to reach it.

It's hard not to look at him... sigh...